How to Help a Friend Experiencing Domestic Abuse: Tips from Ruth Darlene of WomenSV

Are you worried that someone you care about may be trapped in an abusive relationship? Maybe you’ve noticed subtle signs: constant anxiety around their partner, withdrawn behavior or an erosion of their confidence. If you're wondering how to help a friend experiencing domestic abuse but aren’t sure where to start, read on

In this article, we’ll share expert insights from Ruth Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, a nonprofit dedicated to empowering survivors, providers and communities with education about covert abuse and coercive control. You’ll learn practical steps for offering support, do’s and don’ts and how to connect your friend, family member, coworker or anyone you're concerned about with life-saving resources.

Important disclaimer: This article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute legal, medical, or therapeutic advice. Every situation is unique, so please know that following the advice in this article does not guarantee any specific outcome. If you believe you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call 911. For crisis intervention support, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

A note regarding pronouns: In this article we primarily use she/her to describe the survivor/victim and he/him to describe the abuser. We acknowledge that domestic abuse occurs across different genders and relationship dynamics; men can be victims and women can be perpetrators. The resources and advice in this article are suitable regardless of gender, so please feel free to substitute the pronouns relevant to your situation.

The Complexity of Domestic Abuse: Beyond Physical Violence

It's important to be aware that domestic abuse does not always involve physical violence, but that doesn't make it any less dangerous. As Ruth Darlene of WomenSV emphasizes, even subtle forms of abuse can have life-threatening consequences.

Coercive control is a pattern of manipulation, intimidation, isolation, entrapment and domination. It can, but does not always, involve a history of physical or sexual abuse, in addition to other forms of domestic abuse such as emotional, verbal, psychological, financial or technological abuse. Even without a history of physical violence coercive control poses a lethality risk.

Ruth Darlene serves on the Santa Clara County Domestic Violence Death Review Team. The DVDRT publishes an annual report on the domestic violence homicides that occurred. Ruth Darlene was asked to contribute to the section on coercive control. In it, she explains why it is a lethality risk with or without a prior history of physical violence:

The cases that were analyzed by the DVDRT this year gave rise to a discussion about the lethality risks associated with coercive control. Coercive control is a pattern of threatening, isolating, controlling behavior that may or may not include physical or sexual violence. What turns coercive control into a lethality risk is the dehumanizing treatment of an intimate partner, turning them into an object, a resource to be used and used up, a possession or piece of property that is “owned” by the perpetrator. Since the ultimate right of property ownership is the right to dispose of it, once it outlives its use or becomes problematic, this is what makes coercive control a lethality risk. Ending the relationship increases this risk, since it signals to perpetrators that they are losing control. Many domestic violence incidents, including homicides, occur after the relationship ends.[1]

The danger associated with coercive control tends to escalate over time, both during and after an abusive intimate partner relationship. Where it concerns the broader community, including survivors, those who care about them, and the providers who serve them, a deeper understanding of this danger has the potential to save lives.

Coercive control can involve overt, or obvious forms of abuse that are easy to recognize, like direct threats or physical harm. But it also tends to include covert abuse, which uses sneaky subtle tactics that are more challenging to identify.

What Is Coercive Control?

Coercive control involves tactics such as:

• Using threats and intimidation to maintain power over an intimate partner

• Technological abuse: Constant monitoring and digital surveillance

• Financial abuse: Controlling finances and access to resources

• Isolating the survivor from friends and family

• Micromanagement of daily activities

• Psychological manipulation, such as using gaslighting to distort the survivor's sense of reality

Coercive control has been described as a "golden thread" present throughout most domestic violence fatalities. This type of abuse tends to escalate over time and can suddenly culminate in an outburst of extreme violence.

Recognizing the warning signs of abuse is crucial for anyone trying to help a loved one. For more tips to help you recognize red flags, make sure to read Ruth Darlene’s article about the dangers and warning signs of covert abuse.

View fullsize

DON'Ts: What Not to Do When Helping a Survivor

Before you jump into helping, it’s essential to understand what not to do. Misguided help, even when well-intentioned, can sometimes make things worse or put the survivor at greater risk.

1. Don’t pressure them to leave before they’re ready.

Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the most dangerous times for survivors. To escape safely, survivors must carefully consider their options and make a safety plan to protect themselves not only during their exit from the relationship, but also to stay safe after getting away and to avoid returning due to financial instability, threats or false promises of their partner.

According to Ruth Darlene, “The average number of times a survivor leaves her abusive partner ranges from 7 to 12,  but each time she returns, her partner tends to tighten his control over her, and it becomes more difficult, more dangerous to escape the next time.”

Survivors are also faced with figuring out how to navigate a variety of different factors before, during and after their escape, including their housing, finances, physical safety, legal options and the needs and safety of their children. After an abusive relationship ends, there is always a risk of retaliation by the abuser through physical violence, stalking, legal abuse, harassment or smear campaigns where an abuser may try to destroy the survivor’s reputation and isolate them from their support system.

Instead of urging your friend to “just leave,” support them in developing a safety plan and connecting with resources to help. Her partner may be trying to isolate her from all sources of support, including you. One way to counter that strategy is for her to discreetly reach out to build her own network of support independent of him. That’s where you can help, if she is ready, with your own research and suggestions to help address all her concerns: from physical safety, housing and legal support to financial security.

2. Don’t ask “Why do you stay?” or “Why don't you just leave?"

Questions like this can sound judgmental. Instead, focus on listening without judgment and affirming that what’s happening is not her fault. It often takes extensive planning, and significant personal risk, to leave an abusive relationship. It's not as simple as just leaving; survivors must carefully orchestrate their escape plan to get out safely. You can help a survivor by offering support and understanding, not by pressuring her to leave before she has a plan in place.

3. Don’t say "There's two sides to every story."

This statement undermines the survivor’s experience and gives power back to the abuser. It implies that she is partly responsible for the harm being done to her. Ruth Darlene says, “This well meaning comment harbors the unspoken question: what are you doing to provoke him? Would you say the same thing if she were the victim of a drive by shooting or robbery? Coercive control is a crime and recognized as such in more enlightened parts of the world. In this case, here are the two sides: perpetrator and victim.”

Domestic abuse is not the same as a typical argument, disagreement or lover’s quarrel. False accusations of abuse are extremely rare; studies show they account for less than 4% of all domestic abuse allegations. Survivors deserve to be listened to, validated and believed.

4. Don’t ask "How do you think you are contributing to your partner's behavior?"

Victim-blaming is hurtful and harmful. Abuse is not the survivor’s fault. No one deserves to be abused. Survivors of domestic abuse may have already been made to feel like they were the one to blame by their partner. Ruth Darlene says “This is the equivalent of asking a woman what were you wearing the night you got raped?"  The reality is that there is nothing a survivor can do to change the beliefs, the character or the behaviors of her abuser. Let's put the blame where it belongs - on the abuser.

5. Don't say, "But your partner seems so nice!"

Don’t be fooled by an abuser’s charm! Covert abusers are master manipulators who often maintain a polished public image. They may go to great lengths to appear generous, charming and kind in front of others. “They use charm and charisma to reel in their victims and put on a convincing mask in front of others,” explains Ruth Darlene. “Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, they have one face in public and another very different face behind closed doors.”

6. Don’t say, "Your partner seems to be doing their best to make up."

The cycle of abuse is described in three phases:

1. Honeymoon / Hearts and Flowers: The abuser uses charm and love bombing to reel in their partner.

2. Tension Builds: The abuser's energy changes, and the survivor / victim may start to feel like they are walking on eggshells.

3. The Explosion: An abusive incident occurs.

This cycle tends to repeat, with the abuser reverting back to the first phase to hook their victim with apologies and gestures of affection. The moments of peace and affection are part of what keep survivors trapped in the abusive relationship.

Covert abusers are also highly motivated by their reputation, social status and how they are viewed by others. This means that they will likely go to great lengths to give the appearance of being a devoted partner in public, while exhibiting very different behaviors when no one else is looking.

7. Don’t say "You should get a Restraining Order."

Restraining Orders can be powerful tools, but unfortunately they don’t guarantee safety. The decision of whether or not to obtain a Restraining Order depends on a variety of factors, and ultimately is for the survivor to decide. While getting a Restraining Order can be helpful, it also requires a survivor to potentially have to face her abuser in court. She will likely have to spend time, money and resources on the legal process and could potentially have to deal with retaliation from her abuser.

Even after a survivor obtains a Restraining Order, there is always a risk that an abuser may violate it - and a chance that they will not be prosecuted for the violation! For these reasons, survivors must carefully weigh their options to make a decision that is best for their individual circumstances. 

Rather than putting pressure on your friend to apply for a Restraining Order or take any other specific actions, encourage her to speak with a domestic violence advocate and consult with a qualified legal professional to discuss her options.

7. Don’t confront the abuser.

Confronting an abuser directly can be dangerous for both you and your friend. It’s unlikely to result in the abuser taking accountability and deciding to change; instead, it may trigger escalation of the abuse or even violence. Support your friend privately and confidentially to help her get the help she needs.

8. Don’t pressure her to stay if she wants to leave.

While it’s not helpful to pressure a survivor to leave before she’s ready, it’s not helpful to pressure her to stay once she’s ready to leave, either. Survivors already face tremendous social and societal pressures to “make it work” and / or to “keep the family together”. They may also be afraid to be single again or to feel alone.

The truth is, sometimes it’s better to be single, especially when the alternative is to be trapped in an abusive relationship. When a breakup or divorce helps someone free themselves from an abusive environment, it opens up the door to a safer and happier future.

It’s already incredibly challenging to go through this experience, so don’t try to dissuade a survivor from leaving the relationship with comments like “Do you really want to break up and be all alone?”

Rather than second-guessing their decision, offer your support.

DOs: How to Offer Safe, Effective Support

Now that you know what not to do, let’s talk about what you can do.

Start with compassion and validation. Acknowledge their experience without judgment and open the door for further conversation. Remember that the goal isn’t necessarily to immediately “fix” the situation, but to be a steady, trustworthy presence your friend can rely on. 

Here are some statements you can use to start the conversation:

1. “I’m concerned for your safety.”

Gently but clearly express concern for your friend’s well-being.

2. "I'm concerned it will only get worse."

If your friend is caught up in the cycle of abuse, they may be struggling with confusion when their partner reverts back to the “honeymoon” phase, perhaps with an apology and promises to change. Try expressing your concern that the pattern of abuse could escalate. Ruth Darlene says, “Over time survivors often come to realize that the periods of peace are part of the covert abuser’s strategy to keep them in the relationship, resurrecting that false hope that he will go back to being the man they were initially attracted to. If they were to keep a secret journal, they often come to experience the inevitable return of his controlling behavior.”

3. "You're not alone, I'm here for you."

Feeling isolated is a common result of domestic abuse. The less outside support she has, the more effective his control over her can be. Letting your friend or loved one know you're there for them and they don't have to go through this alone can be a tremendous comfort. Let your friend share what they’re comfortable sharing, without pressure. Listen without interruption except to clarify. Avoid offering quick solutions or changing the subject.

4. "You don't deserve to be treated this way; no one does."

Abusers manipulate survivors into believing they caused the problem. Gaslighting and manipulation can chip away at someone's confidence and distort their sense of reality, silencing their own inner voice. It’s helpful to remind the survivor that the abuse is not her fault and she deserves love and respect.

5. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Ruth Darlene says, “Don’t mistake telling your friend what to do for helping. That’s taking her power away and she has already had that experience. Now it’s about supporting her in taking that power back.” Simply letting your friend know that you’re willing to help can make a huge difference. Even if she’s not sure what she needs yet, knowing she can count on you will offer a sense of relief.

A few potential ways to offer your assistance might be: offering transportation, helping her research shelters, babysitting her kids while she attends sensitive appointments, letting her use your cell phone or computer, or connecting her with local resources.

Support her autonomy and empower her to make her own choices. Even if you disagree, respect her perspective. Rather than making specific recommendations for next steps, it’s best to ask what would make her feel most supported. 

If you want to make a suggestion, do so with a question like “Have you thought about this?” rather than “You should do this.” 

Never make her feel guilty for her decisions, even if they include staying longer than you approve of with her abuser. No matter how well you know her, you can’t possibly know all the variables she is having to consider–including the risk of her partner going after full custody of their children or hunting them all down after she escapes. She must do a thorough risk-benefit analysis for each significant decision she makes. Your role as a friend here is to support her in any way you can, to offer suggestions, express your concern for her safety gently, but always without judgment. She may already be dealing with tremendous guilt and shame, and if you add to that by expressing disapproval or judgment, you may never see her again. 

6. "Would you like me to share some resources with you?"

Realizing you’re in an abusive relationship can feel overwhelming. Your friend might be unsure where to start. Offering to share resources is a helpful way to support her in getting the help she needs. In the next section below we've included several resources that you can share.

Essential Resources for Survivors and Supporters

Here are a few resources that you can share with someone you're concerned about.

• National Domestic Violence Hotline
  24/7 hotline offering advocate support and connection to resources.
  Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org

• WomenSV Directory of Resources
  Our directory includes services organized by need and location, plus educational articles, videos and other informational resources.
  Visit https://www.womensv.org/resources

• WomenSV Safety Planning Guides
  Downloadable safety planning guides to assist survivors before, during and after escaping abusive relationships.
  Visit https://www.womensv.org/safety-planning

• NO MORE Global Directory
  A worldwide directory of domestic and sexual violence helplines and services.
  Visit https://nomoredirectory.org/

• DomesticShelters
  Access helpful information and find shelters and programs near you.
  Visit https://www.domesticshelters.org/

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Hotline
  24/7 hotline for crisis intervention and mental health support.
  Call 988 or visit https://988lifeline.org/

• Support Groups
  View a list of accessible online support groups for domestic abuse survivors.
  Visit https://www.womensv.org/support-group

• 211
  Get connected with local resources in your area.
  Call 211 or visit https://www.211.org/

Thank you for supporting survivors!

By reading this article, educating yourself about abuse and learning how to offer support, you are already taking powerful steps to break the cycle of domestic violence.

Here are more ways you can make a difference:

• Share this article with your loved ones.

• Donate to support domestic violence prevention through education and awareness.

• Read our Domestic Violence Advocacy Guide for Covert Abuse and Coercive Control

• Join our online workshop, Understanding and Documenting Coercive Control. Designed for survivors, providers, advocates and allies, this 90-minute program provides step-by-step guidance to help you recognize and report different forms of domestic abuse.

• Connect with WomenSV on social media for more resources and information. We’re active on YouTube, Pinterest, Facebook and Instagram.

About Ruth Darlene and WomenSV

Ruth Darlene, M.A., is the Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV: Survivor Voices, a nonprofit educational center internationally recognized for raising awareness about coercive control and covert abuse.

Through public presentations, professional trainings and awareness campaigns, Ruth Darlene works to help survivors, professionals and communities recognize and break the cycle of coercive control. 

Since founding WomenSV in 2011, Ruth Darlene has served more than 1,500 survivors through direct advocacy and trained thousands of professionals across healthcare, cybersecurity, the justice system, service clubs and academia.

Ruth Darlene developed the online program Understanding and Documenting Coercive Control, which equips survivors and providers to identify and report domestic abuse, including covert tactics that leave no forensic evidence behind.

Learn more about Ruth Darlene and WomenSV here.

---

[1]  https://www.bwss.org/eighteen-months-after-leaving-domestic-violence-is-still-the-most-dangerous-time/

The statistics outline the reality that the most dangerous time for a survivor/victim is when she leaves the abusive partner; 77 percent of domestic violence-related homicides occur upon separation and there is a 75 percent increase of violence upon separation for at least two years. These valid concerns must be addressed with safety planning.

 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1447915/

Variables related to abusive partners’ controlling behaviors and verbal aggression were added in model 4. The effects of a highly controlling abuser were modified by whether the abuser and victim separated after living together. The risk of intimate partner femicide was increased 9-fold by the combination of a highly controlling abuser and the couple’s separation after living together (adjusted OR = 8.98; 95% CI = 3.25, 24.83).

What do we tell the children when a covert abuser is a parent? Santa Clara County DV Conference Video Presentation

When a parent is a covert abuser, how does it affect their children? What protections exist under California law, and what can we do to help?

For answers to these questions and an in-depth discussion about the impacts of coercive control and covert abuse on children, watch this video presentation from Ruth Darlene and Rachel McKenzie at the Santa Clara County Domestic Violence Conference.

Originally recorded at the Santa Clara County Domestic Violence Conference in 2022, this presentation answers the following questions:

• What is coercive control?

• Which California laws address coercive control and domestic violence?

• What are the common traits of covert abusers?

• What are common characteristics of covert abusers?

• What are examples of covert abuse tactics?

• How does this type of abuse impact children?

• What steps can we take to support and protect children exposed to covert abuse?

Video timestamps:
00:00:00 Introduction
00:00:59 DV & Coercive control in California law
00:14:01 About WomenSV
00:16:27 What is coercive control?
00:29:25 Covert abuser characteristics
00:37:10 Covert abuse tactics
00:40:42 Covert abuse in parenting
00:44:53 Impact on children
00:50:19 Countering covert abuse
00:56:10 Q+A

---

Important disclaimer:
This presentation is intended for educational purposes only. The information in this video is not legal or therapeutic advice and does not guarantee any specific outcome. WomenSV does not provide therapy, legal advice or referrals. Please thoroughly research your options to make your own informed decisions about how to navigate your unique situation.

---

Donate:

Donate to support coercive control awareness, education and prevention.

---

Online coercive control training:

Get online training to help you document and overcome coercive control!
Join Understanding and Documenting Coercive Control: Executive Summary Workshop.

This GivingTuesday, help break the cycle of abuse 💝

Today on GivingTuesday (December 3, 2024), WomenSV is joining the global movement of generosity. Together we can make a difference in the lives of survivors of covert abuse and coercive control, ensuring they find the knowledge, resources, and support to break free.

Covert abuse and coercive control have a devastating impact on the lives of survivors. With your help, WomenSV can continue to provide critical education, resources, and training that empowers survivors and their communities to recognize and address these subtle yet harmful forms of abuse. Help support domestic violence prevention and education by making a donation to WomenSV today.

This GivingTuesday, your donation can make a life-changing impact. Contributions from our community make it possible for us to:
💜 Connect survivors with a directory of resources and keep expanding our online database of tools and services to address coercive control
💜 Train therapists, physicians, police officers, teachers and other service providers to recognize and safely address subtle yet dangerous forms of abuse
💜 Develop educational programs such as our upcoming Executive Summary Workshops for survivors and providers

Here’s how you can join the movement:
💜 Give: Make your donation here!
💜 Engage: Subscribe to our YouTube channel and follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok to stay connected.
💜 Share: Share our posts and resources with your loved ones to help amplify our message that survivors are not alone and help is available.
💜 Spread the word: Please tell your friends and family why you believe in our work and encourage them to support us too!
💜 Continue the conversation: Talk to your loved ones about coercive control, covert abuse and other subtle forms of abuse to raise awareness. You can make a difference by letting survivors know they are not alone and there are resources that can help.

Your support makes it possible for us to empower survivors, service providers and communities with the knowledge and resources to break the cycle of abuse. We depend on community support to keep going; every contribution directly supports our efforts to advance our mission and help survivors like Laura:

"WomenSV was literally a lifesaver. Living in a world of covert deception and abusive tactics is soul squashing and WomenSV allowed me to find validation and resources while I try and be a mother in an intense dynamic. I am able to learn to find joy again, self care, and most importantly stop the cycle of violence in raising up the next generation by having peace in our home now."
-Laura*

Knowledge is power and our mission at WomenSV is to lift women up with that knowledge and power so they can find their own way to freedom. Together, we can break the cycle of violence and create a future where everyone feels safe and respected. 

Your support can change lives and bring hope to those in need. Every act of generosity counts, and every donation has a meaningful impact on our mission.

Understanding Coercive Control California Laws (FC 6320) + the Power and Control Wheel

Ruth Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, discusses coercive control as it relates to the Power and Control Wheel and current California law (as of the time of this video recorded in March 2024).

The Power and Control Wheel was developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth, Minnesota to describe tactics that abusers use on their victims. In this video we discuss how it illustrates elements of coercive control that can be observed in abusive relationships.

Family Code 6320 in California includes coercive control within its definition of disturbing the peace. In California, coercive control is now grounds for a restraining order, which if violated can have criminal consequences for the perpetrator. In this video, Ruth Darlene discusses how FC 6320 recognizes and applies to survivors of coercive control.

• Donate to support our program and services here!

• Follow us on social media!

Video timestamps:
00:00 The Power and Control Wheel
13:20 Federal definition of domestic violence
14:59 California definition of domestic violence
15:45 Family Code 6320

Disclaimer: The information provided in this video is intended for educational purposes only. WomenSV does not provide legal advice or recommendations.

Covert Abuse and Coercive Control Overview: Part 2

Ruth Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, presents a two-part overview of covert abuse and coercive control. This second video involves a deep dive into the minds of victims, survivors and perpetrators of covert abuse. Ruth explains the impact of covert abuse on survivors and the motives behind perpetrators' behavior. This discussion covers the pathway to freedom for survivors of abuse, from risk assessment to breaking the cycle and starting the healing process.

• Watch Part 1 here!

• Donate to support our program and services here!

• Remember to like this video, subscribe and follow us on our other social media channels!

Video timestamps:
0:00 Anyone can be a victim or perpetrator
1:21 What do abuse survivors / victims look like?
5:32 Lovebombing, grooming and manipulation silence intuition
7:13 Trauma has a dissociative effect
9:04 Physical DV breaks bones, covert abuse breaks minds
9:42 When is the right time to leave a covert abuser?
14:31 What does a covert abuser look like?
21:23 The Dark Tetrad
31:03 What motivates a covert abuser?
31:36 Covert threats
42:28 The abuser's M.O.
46:41 WEB Scale
54:27 Pathway to freedom
1:17:21 Mental health recovery after abuse
1:22:19 The importance of self-care
1:25:38 Breaking the cycle of abuse
1:34:29 Examples of self-care
1:46:51 Leaving your comfort zone
1:53:36 Thank you to our community partners

Covert Abuse and Coercive Control Overview: Part 1

Join Ruth Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, for an overview of covert abuse and coercive control. This video provides an introduction to subtle forms of domestic abuse, detailing the differences between overt coercive control and covert abuse. Ruth explains the cycle of violence as well as the power and control dynamics involved in coercive control. This discussion also addresses the slippery slope of how abusive relationships begin and escalate over time.

• Watch Part 2 here!

• Donate to support our program and services here!

• Follow us on social media!

Video timestamps:
00:00 Introduction
2:20 What is domestic violence?
13:19 What is coercive control?
20:11 Overt coercive control
21:52 Covert abuse
29:07 Power and control
1:17:58 The cycle of violence
1:26:12 Abuse and the culture of affluence
1:33:57 The slippery slope of abusive relationships

Deep Dive Into Covert Abuse and Coercive Control for Christian Therapists: Part 2

Ruth Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, presents a training to help Christian therapists understand and support survivors of covert abuse and coercive control. In this second half of the two-part training, Ruth discusses the impact of domestic violence on children and adults, potential hazards of therapeutic intervention with a covert abuser, considerations for providing trauma-informed care to survivors, tips for helping survivors tell their story and resources for assessing situations involving domestic abuse.

• Watch Part 1 here!

• Donate to support our program and services here!

• Follow us on social media!

Disclaimer: The information provided in this video is intended for educational purposes only. This training is presented as a trauma-informed informational resource to empower therapists with a deeper understanding of covert abuse and coercive control. Ruth Darlene is an advocate, not a therapist, and WomenSV does not offer or practice therapy.

Video timestamps:
00:00 Introduction
2:42 Impact of DV on children and adults
25:48 Hazards of therapeutic intervention with a covert abuser
43:46 Hazards of couples counseling
46:09 Trauma informed care of survivors
53:21 Helping survivors tell their story
58:38 Self-care

Deep Dive Into Covert Abuse and Coercive Control for Christian Therapists: Part 1

Ruth Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, presents a compassionate perspective that empowers Christian therapists to recognize and support survivors of covert abuse and coercive control. This training video covers the definition and characteristics of covert abuse and coercive control, with true stories to illustrate examples of real-life situations that therapists might encounter with their clients.

As you watch, you will gain a deeper understanding of both survivors and perpetrators of subtle forms of abuse. The discussion includes an overview of the Power and Control Wheel, the cycle of violence, lethality risks associated with coercive control, the slippery slope of how abusive relationships escalate over time, societal pressures that often silence survivors and the impacts of domestic violence.
We’ll dive into different types of coercive control, including overt coercive control, covert coercive control, covert abuse, verbal abuse, and various forms of emotional abuse such as gaslighting.
Stick around to the end to hear us talk about navigating the concept of being a good Christian wife while recognizing covert abuse and coercive control. Being a good, kind, loving Christian does not mean you have to tolerate abuse!

• Watch Part 2 here!

• Donate to support our program and services here!

• Follow us on social media!

Disclaimer: The information provided in this video is intended for educational purposes only. This training is presented as a trauma-informed informational resource to empower therapists with a deeper understanding of covert abuse and coercive control. Ruth Darlene is an advocate, not a therapist, and WomenSV does not offer or practice therapy.

Video timestamps:
00:00 Introduction
5:23 IPV Statistics
7:19 The Equality Wheel
8:21 The Power and Control Wheel
9:43 The cycle of violence
12:57 Domestic violence definition
14:34 Family Code 6320
16:29 Coercive control definition
25:48 Overt coercive control - verbal
27:14 Overt coercive control - physical
28:53 Covert coercive control
32:54 Covert threats
38:09 Gaslighting
38:30 The slippery slope of abusive relationships
39:22 DV in affluent areas
40:05 Recognizing and understanding survivors / victims of DV
43:58 Impact of DV on survivors
48:36 Recognizing and understanding perpetrators of DV
53:11 Abuse is the opposite of love
54:34 Q+A

WomenSV: Serving survivors of covert domestic violence

Help support WomenSV by making a contribution to the LATC Holiday Fund! It is through the support of community partners such as the Holiday Fund that WomenSV is able to serve survivors of covert abuse and coercive control. For more information and to make a donation, visit the article linked below!

From Trauma to Triumph: Executive Summary Workshop Presentation at the Domestic Violence Conference

Watch as Rachel McKenzie presents "From Trauma to Triumph: Executive Summary Workshop" at the County of Santa Clara's 30th Annual Domestic Violence Conference, on behalf of WomenSV.

Created by Ruth Darlene, founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, the Executive Summary Workshop is a powerful tool to assist domestic violence survivors in navigating the challenging journey of summarizing their experiences in a clear and concise manner, enabling effective communication with others.

For survivors, putting traumatic experiences into words can be a daunting task, yet it is a crucial step in seeking support. Recognizing this challenge, WomenSV developed a systematic approach to assist survivors in this process.

We extend our heartfelt gratitude to Rachel McKenzie for leading this presentation, sharing valuable insights and offering unwavering support to domestic violence survivors. Together, we strive to empower survivors on their journey from trauma to triumph.

Join us in this important conversation, and together, let's make a difference in the lives of those who have endured and overcome domestic violence.

Sign up for our newsletter and view contact information to schedule a training here.

To donate and help support our mission, click here.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month Proclamation: WomenSV and Sunnyvale City Council

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and we're proud to share that Ruth Darlene, the founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, joined the City of Sunnyvale's Council meeting to raise awareness about this important month. WomenSV, short for Women of Silicon Valley, is a Bay Area nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering survivors, training service providers, and educating our community about the insidious cycle of covert abuse and coercive control in intimate partner relationships. Domestic violence knows no boundaries; it touches communities across the Bay Area and around the world. By shining a light on this critical issue, we stand together in solidarity with survivors and let them know they are never alone. 💜

Watch the recording on our YouTube channel!

WomenSV Empowers Survivors and Transforms Communities with Support from the Santa Clara County Board of Supervisors

At WomenSV we are committed to constantly evolving in order to maximize the positive impact of our programs and services. It is with deep gratitude that we share the results of our efforts over the past year that have been made possible thanks to the support of the Santa Clara County Board of Supervisors. Their generous grant of $250,000, spanning four years, has enabled our organization to expand the reach of our services for domestic violence survivors.

WomenSV's mission is to empower survivors, train providers, and educate the community to combat covert abuse and coercive control in intimate partner relationships. We envision a world where every woman and child can live in peace, safety and freedom in their own homes. Our unique focus on covert abuse and coercive control enables us to assist survivors ensnared in relationships with powerful and sophisticated abusers who employ subtle forms of abuse to control and manipulate their partners.

For over a decade, WomenSV has been at the forefront of this critical work, directly assisting over 1,400 women experiencing subtle and insidious forms of abuse. The disbursement of $62,500 for the second year of the grant’s four-year initiative has allowed us to make continued progress toward our goals.

WomenSV’s milestones accomplished over the past fiscal year include:

• Community impact: WomenSV provided direct support to 165 survivors and conducted 999 client interactions, totaling over 1,641 hours of direct client services.

• Support group expansion: The number of weekly support groups tripled, offering tailored programs for survivors at different stages of their journey to find freedom from abusive relationships.

• Team expansion: The grant allowed WomenSV to hire a new Domestic Abuse Advocate and Volunteer Coordinator, increasing our capacity for services.

• Enhanced support: Funding from the grant enabled us to employ a new Administrative Assistant and Social Media Coordinator, bolstering our capacity to reach and assist survivors.

• Advocate mastery: Two key Advocates demonstrated mastery of WomenSV's body of knowledge on coercive control and covert abuse, offering direct support to survivors and taking on greater responsibilities in running day-to-day operations.

• Program development: WomenSV introduced a new Executive Summary Workshop program, where Advocates help survivors of coercive control articulate their story and goals effectively.

• Youth program: WomenSV initiated the development of a Young Adult and Youth Program to educate teens and young adults about early warning signs of coercive control.

• Training and outreach: WomenSV provided 14 presentations and trainings to various organizations and providers, reaching over 1,200 individuals within the community and beyond.

WomenSV's annual survey of survivors, conducted in November 2022, measured the following impacts:

• 89% of survivors reported improved identification and handling of subtle forms of abuse.

• 85% felt more equipped to make informed choices regarding their safety.

• 89% were connected with vital resources and providers.

• 82% of survivors reported feeling more empowered.

As we move forward, we remain dedicated to continuously increasing our positive impact with a renewed focus on education. Our organization is currently growing its capacity for survivor support while building greater community awareness through specialized trauma-informed training programs for professionals working in technology, law enforcement, justice and healthcare systems.

Key priorities for the future include rapidly expanding our infrastructure and programs in close collaboration with our community to ensure our actions continue to make a meaningful difference in the lives of domestic violence survivors. As we work toward making education on subtle forms of domestic abuse more accessible to all, we are also strengthening our defenses against online harassment in order to maintain a safe supportive environment while equipping survivors with vital information to help them thrive.

We are looking forward to the future and immensely grateful for the support of our community and the Santa Clara County Board of Supervisors which has enabled us to make significant strides in empowering survivors and educating our community on covert abuse and coercive control.

WomenSV at the 30th Annual Domestic Violence Conference

WomenSV is honored to announce that our Executive Director Ruth Darlene's proposal was accepted for presentation this year at the 30th Annual Domestic Violence Conference taking place on Friday October 13th from 8am to 4:30pm.

With the theme of "Thirty Years of Growth: Lessons Learned and Addressing Root Causes of Domestic Violence," this year's conference marks an opportunity to celebrate our journey, learn from our history, and work collaboratively to pave the way for a future free from domestic violence.

For registration information and conference details, visit the link below.

WomenSV's Ruth Darlene Patrick on Why Community Education is Important for Understanding Domestic Abuse and Coercive Control

A primary objective of WomenSV is to raise public awareness and educate professional providers in legal, medical, and social services, as well as the broader community, about domestic violence so that it's harder for abusers to isolate their victims and make them suffer in silence.
Hear from WomenSV’s Ruth Darlene Patrick on why community education is important for understanding domestic abuse and coercive control in this article.

WomenSV’s Ruth Darlene Patrick on Recognizing the Signs of Coercive Control

Learn to recognize the signs of coercive control in this must-read for anyone learning about healthy relationships and breaking the cycle of abuse.
From WomenSV’s Ruth Darlene Patrick on Recognizing the Signs of Coercive Control:
"Isolation, monitoring, intimidation, financial abuse, and gaslighting are just a few of the ways abusers maintain power and control over their partners. It's crucial to understand that coercive control is not a one-time event, but rather a pattern of behavior that escalates over time."
Read the rest in the article linked below and share this with your loved ones to help us create a safer world for all!