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How to Help a Friend Experiencing Domestic Abuse: Tips from Ruth Darlene of WomenSV

Learn how to help a friend experiencing domestic abuse with expert guidance from Ruth Darlene of WomenSV, a leading advocate and educator on coercive control and domestic violence prevention. Start with these helpful tips on what to say, what not to do, and how to offer safe, effective support.

How to Help a Friend Experiencing Domestic Abuse: Tips from Ruth Darlene of WomenSV

Are you worried that someone you care about may be trapped in an abusive relationship? Maybe you’ve noticed subtle signs: constant anxiety around their partner, withdrawn behavior or an erosion of their confidence. If you're wondering how to help a friend experiencing domestic abuse but aren’t sure where to start, read on

In this article, we’ll share expert insights from Ruth Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, a nonprofit dedicated to empowering survivors, providers and communities with education about covert abuse and coercive control. You’ll learn practical steps for offering support, do’s and don’ts and how to connect your friend, family member, coworker or anyone you're concerned about with life-saving resources.

Important disclaimer: This article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute legal, medical, or therapeutic advice. Every situation is unique, so please know that following the advice in this article does not guarantee any specific outcome. If you believe you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call 911. For crisis intervention support, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

A note regarding pronouns: In this article we primarily use she/her to describe the survivor/victim and he/him to describe the abuser. We acknowledge that domestic abuse occurs across different genders and relationship dynamics; men can be victims and women can be perpetrators. The resources and advice in this article are suitable regardless of gender, so please feel free to substitute the pronouns relevant to your situation.

The Complexity of Domestic Abuse: Beyond Physical Violence

It's important to be aware that domestic abuse does not always involve physical violence, but that doesn't make it any less dangerous. As Ruth Darlene of WomenSV emphasizes, even subtle forms of abuse can have life-threatening consequences.

Coercive control is a pattern of manipulation, intimidation, isolation, entrapment and domination. It can, but does not always, involve a history of physical or sexual abuse, in addition to other forms of domestic abuse such as emotional, verbal, psychological, financial or technological abuse. Even without a history of physical violence coercive control poses a lethality risk.

Ruth Darlene serves on the Santa Clara County Domestic Violence Death Review Team. The DVDRT publishes an annual report on the domestic violence homicides that occurred. Ruth Darlene was asked to contribute to the section on coercive control. In it, she explains why it is a lethality risk with or without a prior history of physical violence:

The cases that were analyzed by the DVDRT this year gave rise to a discussion about the lethality risks associated with coercive control. Coercive control is a pattern of threatening, isolating, controlling behavior that may or may not include physical or sexual violence. What turns coercive control into a lethality risk is the dehumanizing treatment of an intimate partner, turning them into an object, a resource to be used and used up, a possession or piece of property that is “owned” by the perpetrator. Since the ultimate right of property ownership is the right to dispose of it, once it outlives its use or becomes problematic, this is what makes coercive control a lethality risk. Ending the relationship increases this risk, since it signals to perpetrators that they are losing control. Many domestic violence incidents, including homicides, occur after the relationship ends.[1]

The danger associated with coercive control tends to escalate over time, both during and after an abusive intimate partner relationship. Where it concerns the broader community, including survivors, those who care about them, and the providers who serve them, a deeper understanding of this danger has the potential to save lives.

Coercive control can involve overt, or obvious forms of abuse that are easy to recognize, like direct threats or physical harm. But it also tends to include covert abuse, which uses sneaky subtle tactics that are more challenging to identify.

What Is Coercive Control?

Coercive control involves tactics such as:

  • Using threats and intimidation to maintain power over an intimate partner

  • Technological abuse: Constant monitoring and digital surveillance

  • Financial abuse: Controlling finances and access to resources

  • Isolating the survivor from friends and family

  • Micromanagement of daily activities

  • Psychological manipulation, such as using gaslighting to distort the survivor's sense of reality

Coercive control has been described as a "golden thread" present throughout most domestic violence fatalities. This type of abuse tends to escalate over time and can suddenly culminate in an outburst of extreme violence.

Recognizing the warning signs of abuse is crucial for anyone trying to help a loved one. For more tips to help you recognize red flags, make sure to read Ruth Darlene’s article about the dangers and warning signs of covert abuse.

DON'Ts: What Not to Do When Helping a Survivor

Before you jump into helping, it’s essential to understand what not to do. Misguided help, even when well-intentioned, can sometimes make things worse or put the survivor at greater risk.

1. Don’t pressure them to leave before they’re ready.

Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the most dangerous times for survivors. To escape safely, survivors must carefully consider their options and make a safety plan to protect themselves not only during their exit from the relationship, but also to stay safe after getting away and to avoid returning due to financial instability, threats or false promises of their partner.

According to Ruth Darlene, “The average number of times a survivor leaves her abusive partner ranges from 7 to 12,  but each time she returns, her partner tends to tighten his control over her, and it becomes more difficult, more dangerous to escape the next time.”

Survivors are also faced with figuring out how to navigate a variety of different factors before, during and after their escape, including their housing, finances, physical safety, legal options and the needs and safety of their children. After an abusive relationship ends, there is always a risk of retaliation by the abuser through physical violence, stalking, legal abuse, harassment or smear campaigns where an abuser may try to destroy the survivor’s reputation and isolate them from their support system.

Instead of urging your friend to “just leave,” support them in developing a safety plan and connecting with resources to help. Her partner may be trying to isolate her from all sources of support, including you. One way to counter that strategy is for her to discreetly reach out to build her own network of support independent of him. That’s where you can help, if she is ready, with your own research and suggestions to help address all her concerns: from physical safety, housing and legal support to financial security.

2. Don’t ask “Why do you stay?” or “Why don't you just leave?"

Questions like this can sound judgmental. Instead, focus on listening without judgment and affirming that what’s happening is not her fault. It often takes extensive planning, and significant personal risk, to leave an abusive relationship. It's not as simple as just leaving; survivors must carefully orchestrate their escape plan to get out safely. You can help a survivor by offering support and understanding, not by pressuring her to leave before she has a plan in place.

3. Don’t say "There's two sides to every story."

This statement undermines the survivor’s experience and gives power back to the abuser. It implies that she is partly responsible for the harm being done to her. Ruth Darlene says, “This well meaning comment harbors the unspoken question: what are you doing to provoke him? Would you say the same thing if she were the victim of a drive by shooting or robbery? Coercive control is a crime and recognized as such in more enlightened parts of the world. In this case, here are the two sides: perpetrator and victim.”

Domestic abuse is not the same as a typical argument, disagreement or lover’s quarrel. False accusations of abuse are extremely rare; studies show they account for less than 4% of all domestic abuse allegations. Survivors deserve to be listened to, validated and believed.

4. Don’t ask "How do you think you are contributing to your partner's behavior?"

Victim-blaming is hurtful and harmful. Abuse is not the survivor’s fault. No one deserves to be abused. Survivors of domestic abuse may have already been made to feel like they were the one to blame by their partner. Ruth Darlene says “This is the equivalent of asking a woman what were you wearing the night you got raped?"  The reality is that there is nothing a survivor can do to change the beliefs, the character or the behaviors of her abuser. Let's put the blame where it belongs - on the abuser.

5. Don't say, "But your partner seems so nice!"

Don’t be fooled by an abuser’s charm! Covert abusers are master manipulators who often maintain a polished public image. They may go to great lengths to appear generous, charming and kind in front of others. “They use charm and charisma to reel in their victims and put on a convincing mask in front of others,” explains Ruth Darlene. “Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, they have one face in public and another very different face behind closed doors.”

6. Don’t say, "Your partner seems to be doing their best to make up."

The cycle of abuse is described in three phases:

1. Honeymoon / Hearts and Flowers: The abuser uses charm and love bombing to reel in their partner.

2. Tension Builds: The abuser's energy changes, and the survivor / victim may start to feel like they are walking on eggshells.

3. The Explosion: An abusive incident occurs.

This cycle tends to repeat, with the abuser reverting back to the first phase to hook their victim with apologies and gestures of affection. The moments of peace and affection are part of what keep survivors trapped in the abusive relationship.

Covert abusers are also highly motivated by their reputation, social status and how they are viewed by others. This means that they will likely go to great lengths to give the appearance of being a devoted partner in public, while exhibiting very different behaviors when no one else is looking.

7. Don’t say "You should get a Restraining Order."

Restraining Orders can be powerful tools, but unfortunately they don’t guarantee safety. The decision of whether or not to obtain a Restraining Order depends on a variety of factors, and ultimately is for the survivor to decide. While getting a Restraining Order can be helpful, it also requires a survivor to potentially have to face her abuser in court. She will likely have to spend time, money and resources on the legal process and could potentially have to deal with retaliation from her abuser.

Even after a survivor obtains a Restraining Order, there is always a risk that an abuser may violate it - and a chance that they will not be prosecuted for the violation! For these reasons, survivors must carefully weigh their options to make a decision that is best for their individual circumstances. 

Rather than putting pressure on your friend to apply for a Restraining Order or take any other specific actions, encourage her to speak with a domestic violence advocate and consult with a qualified legal professional to discuss her options.

7. Don’t confront the abuser.

Confronting an abuser directly can be dangerous for both you and your friend. It’s unlikely to result in the abuser taking accountability and deciding to change; instead, it may trigger escalation of the abuse or even violence. Support your friend privately and confidentially to help her get the help she needs.

8. Don’t pressure her to stay if she wants to leave.

While it’s not helpful to pressure a survivor to leave before she’s ready, it’s not helpful to pressure her to stay once she’s ready to leave, either. Survivors already face tremendous social and societal pressures to “make it work” and / or to “keep the family together”. They may also be afraid to be single again or to feel alone.

The truth is, sometimes it’s better to be single, especially when the alternative is to be trapped in an abusive relationship. When a breakup or divorce helps someone free themselves from an abusive environment, it opens up the door to a safer and happier future.

It’s already incredibly challenging to go through this experience, so don’t try to dissuade a survivor from leaving the relationship with comments like “Do you really want to break up and be all alone?”

Rather than second-guessing their decision, offer your support.

DOs: How to Offer Safe, Effective Support

Now that you know what not to do, let’s talk about what you can do.

Start with compassion and validation. Acknowledge their experience without judgment and open the door for further conversation. Remember that the goal isn’t necessarily to immediately “fix” the situation, but to be a steady, trustworthy presence your friend can rely on. 

Here are some statements you can use to start the conversation:

1. “I’m concerned for your safety.”

Gently but clearly express concern for your friend’s well-being.

2. "I'm concerned it will only get worse."

If your friend is caught up in the cycle of abuse, they may be struggling with confusion when their partner reverts back to the “honeymoon” phase, perhaps with an apology and promises to change. Try expressing your concern that the pattern of abuse could escalate. Ruth Darlene says, “Over time survivors often come to realize that the periods of peace are part of the covert abuser’s strategy to keep them in the relationship, resurrecting that false hope that he will go back to being the man they were initially attracted to. If they were to keep a secret journal, they often come to experience the inevitable return of his controlling behavior.”

3. "You're not alone, I'm here for you."

Feeling isolated is a common result of domestic abuse. The less outside support she has, the more effective his control over her can be. Letting your friend or loved one know you're there for them and they don't have to go through this alone can be a tremendous comfort. Let your friend share what they’re comfortable sharing, without pressure. Listen without interruption except to clarify. Avoid offering quick solutions or changing the subject.

4. "You don't deserve to be treated this way; no one does."

Abusers manipulate survivors into believing they caused the problem. Gaslighting and manipulation can chip away at someone's confidence and distort their sense of reality, silencing their own inner voice. It’s helpful to remind the survivor that the abuse is not her fault and she deserves love and respect.

5. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Ruth Darlene says, “Don’t mistake telling your friend what to do for helping. That’s taking her power away and she has already had that experience. Now it’s about supporting her in taking that power back.” Simply letting your friend know that you’re willing to help can make a huge difference. Even if she’s not sure what she needs yet, knowing she can count on you will offer a sense of relief.

A few potential ways to offer your assistance might be: offering transportation, helping her research shelters, babysitting her kids while she attends sensitive appointments, letting her use your cell phone or computer, or connecting her with local resources.

Support her autonomy and empower her to make her own choices. Even if you disagree, respect her perspective. Rather than making specific recommendations for next steps, it’s best to ask what would make her feel most supported. 

If you want to make a suggestion, do so with a question like “Have you thought about this?” rather than “You should do this.” 

Never make her feel guilty for her decisions, even if they include staying longer than you approve of with her abuser. No matter how well you know her, you can’t possibly know all the variables she is having to consider–including the risk of her partner going after full custody of their children or hunting them all down after she escapes. She must do a thorough risk-benefit analysis for each significant decision she makes. Your role as a friend here is to support her in any way you can, to offer suggestions, express your concern for her safety gently, but always without judgment. She may already be dealing with tremendous guilt and shame, and if you add to that by expressing disapproval or judgment, you may never see her again. 

6. "Would you like me to share some resources with you?"

Realizing you’re in an abusive relationship can feel overwhelming. Your friend might be unsure where to start. Offering to share resources is a helpful way to support her in getting the help she needs. In the next section below we've included several resources that you can share.

Essential Resources for Survivors and Supporters

Here are a few resources that you can share with someone you're concerned about.

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline
    24/7 hotline offering advocate support and connection to resources.
    Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org

  • WomenSV Directory of Resources
    Our directory includes services organized by need and location, plus educational articles, videos and other informational resources.
    Visit https://www.womensv.org/resources

  • WomenSV Safety Planning Guides
    Downloadable safety planning guides to assist survivors before, during and after escaping abusive relationships.
    Visit https://www.womensv.org/safety-planning

Thank you for supporting survivors!

By reading this article, educating yourself about abuse and learning how to offer support, you are already taking powerful steps to break the cycle of domestic violence.

Here are more ways you can make a difference:

About Ruth Darlene and WomenSV

Ruth Darlene, M.A., is the Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV: Survivor Voices, a nonprofit educational center internationally recognized for raising awareness about coercive control and covert abuse.

Through public presentations, professional trainings and awareness campaigns, Ruth Darlene works to help survivors, professionals and communities recognize and break the cycle of coercive control. 

Since founding WomenSV in 2011, Ruth Darlene has served more than 1,500 survivors through direct advocacy and trained thousands of professionals across healthcare, cybersecurity, the justice system, service clubs and academia.

Ruth Darlene developed the online program Understanding and Documenting Coercive Control, which equips survivors and providers to identify and report domestic abuse, including covert tactics that leave no forensic evidence behind.

Learn more about Ruth Darlene and WomenSV here.

[1]  https://www.bwss.org/eighteen-months-after-leaving-domestic-violence-is-still-the-most-dangerous-time/

The statistics outline the reality that the most dangerous time for a survivor/victim is when she leaves the abusive partner; 77 percent of domestic violence-related homicides occur upon separation and there is a 75 percent increase of violence upon separation for at least two years. These valid concerns must be addressed with safety planning.

 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1447915/

Variables related to abusive partners’ controlling behaviors and verbal aggression were added in model 4. The effects of a highly controlling abuser were modified by whether the abuser and victim separated after living together. The risk of intimate partner femicide was increased 9-fold by the combination of a highly controlling abuser and the couple’s separation after living together (adjusted OR = 8.98; 95% CI = 3.25, 24.83).

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How to Document Coercive Control in 5 Steps

Ruth Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV shares 5 steps that will help you document coercive control. These steps are from WomenSV's new online coercive control training, Understanding and Documenting Coercive Control: Executive Summary Workshop.

Coercive control is a pattern of behavior that manipulates, controls, threatens and isolates an intimate partner. Survivors of this type of abuse often find it difficult to explain what they've experienced in a way that others can easily understand.

In this video, Ruth Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV shares 5 steps that will help you document coercive control.

SUBSCRIBE TO OUR YOUTUBE CHANNEL!

These steps are from WomenSV's new online coercive control training, Understanding and Documenting Coercive Control: Executive Summary Workshop. This video is an abbreviated version that will guide you through the process of documenting coercive control concisely and effectively in a two-page Executive Summary. Your Executive Summary can be easily customized according to your specific situation, audience and goals. For example: reporting to law enforcement, informing a therapist, preparing for legal proceedings, advocating for survivors or supporting a friend.

⬇️ JOIN THE FULL ONLINE COURSE: ⬇️

Understanding and Documenting Coercive Control: Executive Summary Workshop

Join our 90-minute self-paced coercive control training course designed for survivors, advocates, service providers and allies. You’ll get a complete walkthrough with additional steps plus templates and examples to help you thoroughly document coercive control.

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Video timestamps:

00:00 Introduction to documenting coercive control - Ruth Darlene of WomenSV

1:27 Step 1: Understanding coercive control

3:32 Step 2: Goals and audience

4:19 Step 3: Timeline

5:11 Step 4: Incident / allegation log

6:22 Step 5: Gather supporting documents

7:59 How to document coercive control + important considerations

11:55 Coercive control training online - Understanding and Documenting Coercive Control: Executive Summary Workshop

About WomenSV:

WomenSV (Women of Silicon Valley) is a nonprofit dedicated to empowering survivors, providers and communities with education about covert abuse and coercive control.

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DISCLAIMER:

This content is for educational purposes only. This is not therapeutic or legal advice. WomenSV does not offer therapy, legal assistance or referrals.

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