Documenting Coercive Control Training for Christian Therapists with Ruth Darlene, WomenSV
Learn how to recognize and document coercive control with this professional training video led by Ruth Darlene, Executive Director of WomenSV. This session explores how to identify and address coercive control and covert abuse using a trauma-informed, compassionate approach with faith-focused insights for Christian therapists.
Learn how to recognize and document coercive control with this professional training video led by Ruth Darlene, Executive Director of WomenSV. This session explores how to identify and address coercive control and covert abuse using a trauma-informed, compassionate approach with faith-focused insights for Christian therapists.
WomenSV provides professional trainings to help therapists, advocates, community leaders and other service providers raise awareness about the hidden impacts of coercive control, recognize early warning signs and support survivors.
In this video, you’ll learn how to:
Identify patterns of coercive control and covert abuse
Recognize overt and covert tactics used to dominate or manipulate
Understand how coercive control impacts survivors’ mental health
Apply trauma-informed practices when working with survivors
Guide survivors in documenting abuse with a concise 2–3 page summary
Integrate faith, prayer and awareness of spiritual abuse into your counseling approach
Topics covered include:
Domestic violence statistics and dynamics
The Equality Wheel / "healthy relationship wheel"
Power and Control Wheel
The cycle of abuse / cycle of violence
What is coercive control?
What is covert abuse?
Overt vs. covert coercive control examples
Covert abuse tactics and motives
PTSD and mental health impacts of coercive control
Safety considerations for working with survivors
Best practices and trauma-informed tips
Documenting abuse and supporting survivor empowerment
Recognizing and addressing spiritual abuse
Want more training to help survivors overcome coercive control and domestic abuse? Make sure to join our full online course, Understanding and Documenting Coercive Control: Executive Summary Workshop!
Video timestamps:
00:00 About WomenSV
06:59 Domestic violence statistics
08:25 Coercive control training objectives
09:58 Healthy relationship wheel (Equality Wheel)
11:09 Power and Control Wheel
14:59 Cycle of Abuse
18:11 What is coercive control? What is covert abuse?
23:47 Overt and covert coercive control examples
27:58 Covert abuse tactics and motives
35:40 PTSD and mental health impacts of coercive control
37:17 Safety considerations and trauma-informed best practices
40:30 Documenting coercive control
41:03 Spiritual abuse
42:05 Coercive control documentation process
44:29 Q+A
Disclaimer: This video is intended for educational purposes only. The information in this video is not therapeutic, medical or legal advice and does not guarantee any specific outcome. WomenSV does not provide therapy, legal advice or referrals.
Enroll now for instant access to online coercive control training:
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How to Help a Friend Experiencing Domestic Abuse: Tips from Ruth Darlene of WomenSV
Learn how to help a friend experiencing domestic abuse with expert guidance from Ruth Darlene of WomenSV, a leading advocate and educator on coercive control and domestic violence prevention. Start with these helpful tips on what to say, what not to do, and how to offer safe, effective support.
Are you worried that someone you care about may be trapped in an abusive relationship? Maybe you’ve noticed subtle signs: constant anxiety around their partner, withdrawn behavior or an erosion of their confidence. If you're wondering how to help a friend experiencing domestic abuse but aren’t sure where to start, read on
In this article, we’ll share expert insights from Ruth Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, a nonprofit dedicated to empowering survivors, providers and communities with education about covert abuse and coercive control. You’ll learn practical steps for offering support, do’s and don’ts and how to connect your friend, family member, coworker or anyone you're concerned about with life-saving resources.
Important disclaimer: This article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute legal, medical, or therapeutic advice. Every situation is unique, so please know that following the advice in this article does not guarantee any specific outcome. If you believe you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call 911. For crisis intervention support, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
A note regarding pronouns: In this article we primarily use she/her to describe the survivor/victim and he/him to describe the abuser. We acknowledge that domestic abuse occurs across different genders and relationship dynamics; men can be victims and women can be perpetrators. The resources and advice in this article are suitable regardless of gender, so please feel free to substitute the pronouns relevant to your situation.
The Complexity of Domestic Abuse: Beyond Physical Violence
It's important to be aware that domestic abuse does not always involve physical violence, but that doesn't make it any less dangerous. As Ruth Darlene of WomenSV emphasizes, even subtle forms of abuse can have life-threatening consequences.
Coercive control is a pattern of manipulation, intimidation, isolation, entrapment and domination. It can, but does not always, involve a history of physical or sexual abuse, in addition to other forms of domestic abuse such as emotional, verbal, psychological, financial or technological abuse. Even without a history of physical violence coercive control poses a lethality risk.
Ruth Darlene serves on the Santa Clara County Domestic Violence Death Review Team. The DVDRT publishes an annual report on the domestic violence homicides that occurred. Ruth Darlene was asked to contribute to the section on coercive control. In it, she explains why it is a lethality risk with or without a prior history of physical violence:
The cases that were analyzed by the DVDRT this year gave rise to a discussion about the lethality risks associated with coercive control. Coercive control is a pattern of threatening, isolating, controlling behavior that may or may not include physical or sexual violence. What turns coercive control into a lethality risk is the dehumanizing treatment of an intimate partner, turning them into an object, a resource to be used and used up, a possession or piece of property that is “owned” by the perpetrator. Since the ultimate right of property ownership is the right to dispose of it, once it outlives its use or becomes problematic, this is what makes coercive control a lethality risk. Ending the relationship increases this risk, since it signals to perpetrators that they are losing control. Many domestic violence incidents, including homicides, occur after the relationship ends.[1]
The danger associated with coercive control tends to escalate over time, both during and after an abusive intimate partner relationship. Where it concerns the broader community, including survivors, those who care about them, and the providers who serve them, a deeper understanding of this danger has the potential to save lives.
Coercive control can involve overt, or obvious forms of abuse that are easy to recognize, like direct threats or physical harm. But it also tends to include covert abuse, which uses sneaky subtle tactics that are more challenging to identify.
What Is Coercive Control?
Coercive control involves tactics such as:
Using threats and intimidation to maintain power over an intimate partner
Technological abuse: Constant monitoring and digital surveillance
Financial abuse: Controlling finances and access to resources
Isolating the survivor from friends and family
Micromanagement of daily activities
Psychological manipulation, such as using gaslighting to distort the survivor's sense of reality
Coercive control has been described as a "golden thread" present throughout most domestic violence fatalities. This type of abuse tends to escalate over time and can suddenly culminate in an outburst of extreme violence.
Recognizing the warning signs of abuse is crucial for anyone trying to help a loved one. For more tips to help you recognize red flags, make sure to read Ruth Darlene’s article about the dangers and warning signs of covert abuse.
DON'Ts: What Not to Do When Helping a Survivor
Before you jump into helping, it’s essential to understand what not to do. Misguided help, even when well-intentioned, can sometimes make things worse or put the survivor at greater risk.
1. Don’t pressure them to leave before they’re ready.
Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the most dangerous times for survivors. To escape safely, survivors must carefully consider their options and make a safety plan to protect themselves not only during their exit from the relationship, but also to stay safe after getting away and to avoid returning due to financial instability, threats or false promises of their partner.
According to Ruth Darlene, “The average number of times a survivor leaves her abusive partner ranges from 7 to 12, but each time she returns, her partner tends to tighten his control over her, and it becomes more difficult, more dangerous to escape the next time.”
Survivors are also faced with figuring out how to navigate a variety of different factors before, during and after their escape, including their housing, finances, physical safety, legal options and the needs and safety of their children. After an abusive relationship ends, there is always a risk of retaliation by the abuser through physical violence, stalking, legal abuse, harassment or smear campaigns where an abuser may try to destroy the survivor’s reputation and isolate them from their support system.
Instead of urging your friend to “just leave,” support them in developing a safety plan and connecting with resources to help. Her partner may be trying to isolate her from all sources of support, including you. One way to counter that strategy is for her to discreetly reach out to build her own network of support independent of him. That’s where you can help, if she is ready, with your own research and suggestions to help address all her concerns: from physical safety, housing and legal support to financial security.
2. Don’t ask “Why do you stay?” or “Why don't you just leave?"
Questions like this can sound judgmental. Instead, focus on listening without judgment and affirming that what’s happening is not her fault. It often takes extensive planning, and significant personal risk, to leave an abusive relationship. It's not as simple as just leaving; survivors must carefully orchestrate their escape plan to get out safely. You can help a survivor by offering support and understanding, not by pressuring her to leave before she has a plan in place.
3. Don’t say "There's two sides to every story."
This statement undermines the survivor’s experience and gives power back to the abuser. It implies that she is partly responsible for the harm being done to her. Ruth Darlene says, “This well meaning comment harbors the unspoken question: what are you doing to provoke him? Would you say the same thing if she were the victim of a drive by shooting or robbery? Coercive control is a crime and recognized as such in more enlightened parts of the world. In this case, here are the two sides: perpetrator and victim.”
Domestic abuse is not the same as a typical argument, disagreement or lover’s quarrel. False accusations of abuse are extremely rare; studies show they account for less than 4% of all domestic abuse allegations. Survivors deserve to be listened to, validated and believed.
4. Don’t ask "How do you think you are contributing to your partner's behavior?"
Victim-blaming is hurtful and harmful. Abuse is not the survivor’s fault. No one deserves to be abused. Survivors of domestic abuse may have already been made to feel like they were the one to blame by their partner. Ruth Darlene says “This is the equivalent of asking a woman what were you wearing the night you got raped?" The reality is that there is nothing a survivor can do to change the beliefs, the character or the behaviors of her abuser. Let's put the blame where it belongs - on the abuser.
5. Don't say, "But your partner seems so nice!"
Don’t be fooled by an abuser’s charm! Covert abusers are master manipulators who often maintain a polished public image. They may go to great lengths to appear generous, charming and kind in front of others. “They use charm and charisma to reel in their victims and put on a convincing mask in front of others,” explains Ruth Darlene. “Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, they have one face in public and another very different face behind closed doors.”
6. Don’t say, "Your partner seems to be doing their best to make up."
The cycle of abuse is described in three phases:
1. Honeymoon / Hearts and Flowers: The abuser uses charm and love bombing to reel in their partner.
2. Tension Builds: The abuser's energy changes, and the survivor / victim may start to feel like they are walking on eggshells.
3. The Explosion: An abusive incident occurs.
This cycle tends to repeat, with the abuser reverting back to the first phase to hook their victim with apologies and gestures of affection. The moments of peace and affection are part of what keep survivors trapped in the abusive relationship.
Covert abusers are also highly motivated by their reputation, social status and how they are viewed by others. This means that they will likely go to great lengths to give the appearance of being a devoted partner in public, while exhibiting very different behaviors when no one else is looking.
7. Don’t say "You should get a Restraining Order."
Restraining Orders can be powerful tools, but unfortunately they don’t guarantee safety. The decision of whether or not to obtain a Restraining Order depends on a variety of factors, and ultimately is for the survivor to decide. While getting a Restraining Order can be helpful, it also requires a survivor to potentially have to face her abuser in court. She will likely have to spend time, money and resources on the legal process and could potentially have to deal with retaliation from her abuser.
Even after a survivor obtains a Restraining Order, there is always a risk that an abuser may violate it - and a chance that they will not be prosecuted for the violation! For these reasons, survivors must carefully weigh their options to make a decision that is best for their individual circumstances.
Rather than putting pressure on your friend to apply for a Restraining Order or take any other specific actions, encourage her to speak with a domestic violence advocate and consult with a qualified legal professional to discuss her options.
7. Don’t confront the abuser.
Confronting an abuser directly can be dangerous for both you and your friend. It’s unlikely to result in the abuser taking accountability and deciding to change; instead, it may trigger escalation of the abuse or even violence. Support your friend privately and confidentially to help her get the help she needs.
8. Don’t pressure her to stay if she wants to leave.
While it’s not helpful to pressure a survivor to leave before she’s ready, it’s not helpful to pressure her to stay once she’s ready to leave, either. Survivors already face tremendous social and societal pressures to “make it work” and / or to “keep the family together”. They may also be afraid to be single again or to feel alone.
The truth is, sometimes it’s better to be single, especially when the alternative is to be trapped in an abusive relationship. When a breakup or divorce helps someone free themselves from an abusive environment, it opens up the door to a safer and happier future.
It’s already incredibly challenging to go through this experience, so don’t try to dissuade a survivor from leaving the relationship with comments like “Do you really want to break up and be all alone?”
Rather than second-guessing their decision, offer your support.
DOs: How to Offer Safe, Effective Support
Now that you know what not to do, let’s talk about what you can do.
Start with compassion and validation. Acknowledge their experience without judgment and open the door for further conversation. Remember that the goal isn’t necessarily to immediately “fix” the situation, but to be a steady, trustworthy presence your friend can rely on.
Here are some statements you can use to start the conversation:
1. “I’m concerned for your safety.”
Gently but clearly express concern for your friend’s well-being.
2. "I'm concerned it will only get worse."
If your friend is caught up in the cycle of abuse, they may be struggling with confusion when their partner reverts back to the “honeymoon” phase, perhaps with an apology and promises to change. Try expressing your concern that the pattern of abuse could escalate. Ruth Darlene says, “Over time survivors often come to realize that the periods of peace are part of the covert abuser’s strategy to keep them in the relationship, resurrecting that false hope that he will go back to being the man they were initially attracted to. If they were to keep a secret journal, they often come to experience the inevitable return of his controlling behavior.”
3. "You're not alone, I'm here for you."
Feeling isolated is a common result of domestic abuse. The less outside support she has, the more effective his control over her can be. Letting your friend or loved one know you're there for them and they don't have to go through this alone can be a tremendous comfort. Let your friend share what they’re comfortable sharing, without pressure. Listen without interruption except to clarify. Avoid offering quick solutions or changing the subject.
4. "You don't deserve to be treated this way; no one does."
Abusers manipulate survivors into believing they caused the problem. Gaslighting and manipulation can chip away at someone's confidence and distort their sense of reality, silencing their own inner voice. It’s helpful to remind the survivor that the abuse is not her fault and she deserves love and respect.
5. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
Ruth Darlene says, “Don’t mistake telling your friend what to do for helping. That’s taking her power away and she has already had that experience. Now it’s about supporting her in taking that power back.” Simply letting your friend know that you’re willing to help can make a huge difference. Even if she’s not sure what she needs yet, knowing she can count on you will offer a sense of relief.
A few potential ways to offer your assistance might be: offering transportation, helping her research shelters, babysitting her kids while she attends sensitive appointments, letting her use your cell phone or computer, or connecting her with local resources.
Support her autonomy and empower her to make her own choices. Even if you disagree, respect her perspective. Rather than making specific recommendations for next steps, it’s best to ask what would make her feel most supported.
If you want to make a suggestion, do so with a question like “Have you thought about this?” rather than “You should do this.”
Never make her feel guilty for her decisions, even if they include staying longer than you approve of with her abuser. No matter how well you know her, you can’t possibly know all the variables she is having to consider–including the risk of her partner going after full custody of their children or hunting them all down after she escapes. She must do a thorough risk-benefit analysis for each significant decision she makes. Your role as a friend here is to support her in any way you can, to offer suggestions, express your concern for her safety gently, but always without judgment. She may already be dealing with tremendous guilt and shame, and if you add to that by expressing disapproval or judgment, you may never see her again.
6. "Would you like me to share some resources with you?"
Realizing you’re in an abusive relationship can feel overwhelming. Your friend might be unsure where to start. Offering to share resources is a helpful way to support her in getting the help she needs. In the next section below we've included several resources that you can share.
Essential Resources for Survivors and Supporters
Here are a few resources that you can share with someone you're concerned about.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
24/7 hotline offering advocate support and connection to resources.
Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org
WomenSV Directory of Resources
Our directory includes services organized by need and location, plus educational articles, videos and other informational resources.
Visit https://www.womensv.org/resourcesWomenSV Safety Planning Guides
Downloadable safety planning guides to assist survivors before, during and after escaping abusive relationships.
Visit https://www.womensv.org/safety-planning
NO MORE Global Directory
A worldwide directory of domestic and sexual violence helplines and services.
Visit https://nomoredirectory.org/DomesticShelters
Access helpful information and find shelters and programs near you.
Visit https://www.domesticshelters.org/988 Suicide & Crisis Hotline
24/7 hotline for crisis intervention and mental health support.
Call 988 or visit https://988lifeline.org/Support Groups
View a list of accessible online support groups for domestic abuse survivors.
Visit https://www.womensv.org/support-group211
Get connected with local resources in your area.
Call 211 or visit https://www.211.org/
Thank you for supporting survivors!
By reading this article, educating yourself about abuse and learning how to offer support, you are already taking powerful steps to break the cycle of domestic violence.
Here are more ways you can make a difference:
Share this article with your loved ones.
Donate to support domestic violence prevention through education and awareness.
Read our Domestic Violence Advocacy Guide for Covert Abuse and Coercive Control
Join our online workshop, Understanding and Documenting Coercive Control. Designed for survivors, providers, advocates and allies, this 90-minute program provides step-by-step guidance to help you recognize and report different forms of domestic abuse.
Connect with WomenSV on social media for more resources and information. We’re active on YouTube, Pinterest, Facebook and Instagram.
About Ruth Darlene and WomenSV
Ruth Darlene, M.A., is the Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV: Survivor Voices, a nonprofit educational center internationally recognized for raising awareness about coercive control and covert abuse.
Through public presentations, professional trainings and awareness campaigns, Ruth Darlene works to help survivors, professionals and communities recognize and break the cycle of coercive control.
Since founding WomenSV in 2011, Ruth Darlene has served more than 1,500 survivors through direct advocacy and trained thousands of professionals across healthcare, cybersecurity, the justice system, service clubs and academia.
Ruth Darlene developed the online program Understanding and Documenting Coercive Control, which equips survivors and providers to identify and report domestic abuse, including covert tactics that leave no forensic evidence behind.
The statistics outline the reality that the most dangerous time for a survivor/victim is when she leaves the abusive partner; 77 percent of domestic violence-related homicides occur upon separation and there is a 75 percent increase of violence upon separation for at least two years. These valid concerns must be addressed with safety planning.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1447915/
Variables related to abusive partners’ controlling behaviors and verbal aggression were added in model 4. The effects of a highly controlling abuser were modified by whether the abuser and victim separated after living together. The risk of intimate partner femicide was increased 9-fold by the combination of a highly controlling abuser and the couple’s separation after living together (adjusted OR = 8.98; 95% CI = 3.25, 24.83).
How Covert Abusers Weaponize Mental Health: Explained by WomenSV Founder Ruth Darlene
I’m Ruth Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, a nonprofit organization dedicated to education and awareness around covert abuse and coercive control. Let’s talk about how covert abusers weaponize mental health.
I’m Ruth Darlene, Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, a nonprofit organization dedicated to education and awareness around covert abuse and coercive control. Over the past 14+ years, I’ve had the honor and heartbreak of hearing countless stories from brave survivors. Many of them describe the same insidious pattern: a partner who attempts to shame, discredit, and silence them by accusing them of having “mental health issues”. Let’s talk about how covert abusers weaponize mental health.
As isolating as this experience might feel, if it’s happened to you, you are far from alone!
May is Mental Health Awareness Month. There’s no better time to expose this covert abuse tactic and start a powerful, open conversation about the intersection between domestic violence and mental health.
The mental health consequences of coercive control
Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse that subjects survivors to a pattern of threatening, controlling, isolating behaviors that threaten their safety, deprive them of their freedom and force them to live in fear. It can, but does not necessarily, involve physical and sexual violence in addition to emotional, financial, technological, legal and other forms of abuse that can be difficult to identify. With or without a history of physical abuse, relationships involving coercive control can pose dangerous and life-threatening consequences that have a lasting impact on survivors’ mental health.
Research shows that domestic violence survivors face a higher risk for mental health challenges including depression, anxiety, addiction, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and even suicide, when they lose all hope in response to ongoing abuse and begin to believe that death may be their only way out. According to the Veterans’ Administration:
When individuals face violence from someone they trust and love, it creates an environment of isolation, fear and despair. The emotional toll of an abusive relationship often leads to feelings of hopelessness, shame and a perceived lack of escape, all of which can significantly elevate the risk of suicide.
Studies also indicate a strong link between coercive control and increased rates of mental health disorders.
Because PTSD symptoms can mimic those of other mental illnesses, survivors often report being misdiagnosed and underserved by inexperienced mental health practitioners. For example, survivors can appear paranoid when they have in fact been dealing with technological abuse and surveillance. Without training to identify PTSD and understand the impact of abuse on survivors, providers risk misdiagnosing survivors. That's why it’s so important for service providers to receive training when working with this population.
Surviving coercive control and other forms of domestic abuse is undeniably traumatic. Healing is possible, but it often takes plenty of time and support. Survivors deserve to be treated with understanding and compassion for what they have been through – instead of being discredited, shamed, blamed, shunned, silenced or worse, all of which were common occurrences not so long ago.
Mental health as a means of controlling, shaming and silencing women: a brief history
The mid-20th century saw a disturbing convergence of psychiatry, patriarchal control, and social conformity, particularly in the treatment of women. Mental health institutions and practitioners often acted as enforcers of rigid gender roles, using their authority not merely to treat but to discipline women who defied societal expectations.
The medicalization of female nonconformity
In the 1950s, psychiatry was still deeply embedded in a patriarchal framework. Deviations from traditional gender norms – assertiveness, sexual agency, resistance to domestic roles – were often pathologized. Women who strayed from the expected roles of dutiful wife, mother, or virgin daughter risked being labeled with vague psychiatric diagnoses like "hysteria," "neurasthenia," or later, "borderline personality disorder."
As Elaine Showalter wrote in The Female Malady (1985), psychiatry often treated women's emotional and behavioral struggles as symptoms of deviance rather than as legitimate responses to oppression. "Madness" in women was interpreted not as a sign of distress but as a failure to conform. The solution, then, was correction, not compassion.
Lobotomy: The surgical silencing of women
The lobotomy – developed in the 1930s and popularized in the U.S. by Dr. Walter Freeman – was used disproportionately on women. It involved severing connections in the brain’s prefrontal cortex to "tame" what were deemed emotional or behavioral disturbances. Freeman's records indicate that over 60% of lobotomy patients were women, even though mental illness diagnoses were relatively evenly distributed across genders (El-Hai, The Lobotomist, 2005).
A chilling example is Rosemary Kennedy, sister of President John F. Kennedy. Developmentally delayed and prone to mood swings and sexual curiosity – traits seen as dangerously deviant for a woman of her class – Rosemary was lobotomized at the age of 23. The result was catastrophic: she was left disabled, largely nonverbal, and institutionalized for the rest of her life. Her fate was kept secret for decades, highlighting the stigma not just of mental illness, but of a woman who didn’t fit the mold.
Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT): A tool of control
Electroconvulsive therapy, introduced in the 1930s and widely used in the 1940s and 50s, was frequently administered without informed consent. While it can be effective for severe depression, in that era it was often used more broadly – and sometimes punitively – on women who were seen as unruly or resistant to authority. The image of a "hysterical housewife" being restrained and shocked into submission wasn't just film noir drama – it was reality for many women in psychiatric wards.
As Phyllis Chesler observed in Women and Madness (1972), ECT and other psychiatric tools were not simply medical treatments – they were instruments of social enforcement. Women who expressed anger, refused domesticity, or sought autonomy were often "treated" until they became docile, compliant, and therefore, "well."
Drugging and commitment: Chemical and physical restraints
With the advent of psychotropic drugs in the 1950s, including Thorazine (chlorpromazine), a new method of control emerged: chemical sedation. Women were frequently prescribed tranquilizers like Miltown or Valium – earning Valium the nickname "Mother’s Little Helper." These drugs were marketed specifically to women to dull anxiety, restlessness, and depression – often symptoms of oppressive domestic roles, not mental illness.
Long-term institutionalization was also common, and disproportionately impacted women. According to a 1955 U.S. government report, women made up the majority of residents in public mental hospitals – many committed by husbands or fathers, sometimes without due process.
In 1960, Elizabeth Packard was committed to an asylum for defying “all domestic control”, which simply meant being too opinionated and independent for her husband’s liking; she simply insisted that she had a right to have opinions that differ from her husband’s. Her story reflects the experience of countless other women who were able to be committed at the husband’s request.
Psychiatry as patriarchy in practice
The psychiatric system functioned as an extension of patriarchal power, punishing women who threatened the gender order. It’s no accident that many of the women confined, drugged, shocked, or lobotomized were those who sought sexual freedom, rejected domestic life, or expressed anger at their social circumstances.
Women’s emotions – especially negative ones – were often framed as illnesses requiring correction, not valid responses to their sociopolitical realities; that their role in society, their raison d’être was to serve their husbands. And God help those who grew restless and began to express frustration with the gilded cage of their existence with such observations as, “putting brownies in the oven was not a peak experience.”
The legacy of silenced resistance
The use of psychiatry in the mid-1900s to control and punish women reveals a dark chapter in mental health history – one where treatment became indistinguishable from social coercion. From Rosemary Kennedy’s tragic lobotomy to the countless women sedated into submission or shocked into silence, mental health "care" was often a euphemism for control.
Before there was a term for coercive control, under patriarchal rule, it was standard operating procedure in the medical and psychiatric community as a means to coerce, control, entrap, isolate, intimidate and silence women who caused trouble. And society was complicit for centuries, since any who rebelled against this practice, risked suffering the same fate.
Have we come a long way since then?
Have you read or seen The Handmaid’s Tale?
Author Margaret Atwood based the story on real occurrences throughout history, serving as a stark reminder that the erosion of women's rights, freedom and very identity can recur if society becomes indifferent. It’s not just our past, it’s our future, if we stop paying attention.
There are signs of it even today, particularly in how female trauma is misunderstood, minimized, or misdiagnosed. Survivors of coercive control, for example, are still too often labeled as "paranoid," "borderline," or "overreacting"—modern iterations of a system that once institutionalized nonconformity under the guise of medicine.
Psychological impacts of gaslighting and emotional manipulation
Now that women have become “liberated,” and the tactics used to control them are no longer socially sanctioned, they have become less public, more private. Today covert abuse operates in the shadows, using subtle and underhanded tactics that are difficult to recognize until they escalate dangerously. Emotional abuse and psychological manipulation are used to entrap survivors in a web of lies that can be hard to explain, let alone escape.
This form of psychological warfare can make anyone feel like they’re losing their mind. How could anyone’s mental health NOT be affected after dealing with the sadistic, narcissistic, psychopathic, Machiavellian tactics of a covert abuser?
Survivors are left navigating a storm of lies, threats, emotional abuse, and psychological manipulation. These covert abuse tactics are all designed to destabilize their sense of reality.
You are not the problem!
One of the most harmful lies covert abusers spread is that survivors are "crazy" or "unstable." Unfortunately, survivors of abusive relationships are often made to feel like they are the problem. But the truth is, these symptoms are very normal reactions to the very abnormal experience of being abused. It’s not you. It’s them.
Covert abuse tactics: Weaponizing mental health
Still today, one of the most common tactics abusers use to silence and discredit their victims is to try to get people to believe they are mentally unstable or crazy.
This might look like:
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a classic covert abuse tactic. Gaslighters lie, distort the truth, and manipulate reality so persistently that victims start to question their own thoughts, memories, and eventually their sanity.
One particularly crazy-making example involves hiding the survivor’s belongings, then accusing the survivor of being forgetful and “losing it”. For example, her car keys might go missing right before an important job interview. After hiding the keys and watching her panic, the abuser might say, “How can you get or keep a job when you can’t even keep track of your keys?”
Planting seeds of doubt
This sneaky covert abuse tactic involves faking “concern” about their partner’s mental health. They start quietly telling friends, family, neighbors, coworkers (and anyone else who will listen) that they’re "worried" about you.
But this “concern” is a calculated move to discredit you, before you even realize what’s happening. These planted seeds of doubt can later be used against you, painting you as irrational, untrustworthy or unstable – and isolating you from your social support network.
DARVO
DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) is a favorite tactic among covert abusers. Rather than taking accountability for their actions, the abuser will deny their abuse, attack their victim, and reverse the role of victim and offender in their narrative. Often, they will accuse you of the very thing they did to you! Among other things, it makes it easier for them to remember their lies. They just remember what they did and project it onto you. And they are so convincing! One survivor lamented, “He lies so much better than I tell the truth.”
Rewriting history
Covert abusers don’t just deny their abusive behavior, they’ll often completely rewrite history. Even if you clearly witnessed them saying or doing something, they might respond with, “I would never do that” (note the use of the conditional tense). The bolder ones will flat out tell you, “That’s not what I said” or “That’s not what happened.” Following DARVO, the next step is to spin it around on you and accuse you of lying, forgetting or being “crazy”.
Violating privacy
Some abusers will go so far as to share your private medical records or mental health history, spinning a story to paint you as unreliable or dangerous. Even if you voluntarily sought psychiatric help after being abused – maybe for anxiety, depression, or PTSD – they may use that very act of seeking support to shame and "expose" you for having “mental health issues”.
Even more disturbing, they may recruit others to help share or leak your personal health information as part of a broader smear campaign, framing it as public service or genuine concern.
This tactic is often referred to as “astroturfing,” after the artificial grass used to carpet stadiums. It refers to a campaign created by the covert abuser in which he keeps repeating his fabricated story to anyone he has influence over. Eventually it begins to be repeated by multiple sources who serve to bolster the abuser’s story and give it more credence. After all, it’s not just “he said/she said” anymore. It’s “she said, they said.” A lie repeated often enough begins to sound like the truth, especially when it’s repeated by multiple people who have “drunk the kool-aid”, succumbed to the convincing charm of a covert abuser and become what’s known as “flying monkeys,” after the wicked witch's minions in the Wizard of Oz who did the witch’s bidding in attacking Dorothy.
The engineered 5150
In extreme cases, covert abusers will actually set up their current or former partners to be put on a psychiatric hold, also known as a 5150 in California.
If the abuser is a medical professional, therapist, or someone who holds influence over such professionals, they may exploit their credentials by recommending that you be placed under observation for your own safety.
This tactic is used to control, humiliate, silence and discredit you – all under the guise of "helping" you.
It happened to so many of the survivors I’ve advocated for that I coined the term “engineered 5150”.
If you follow WomenSV on social media, you may have heard me share the story of one survivor whose therapist husband had her put on a psychiatric hold. (And yes, she gave me permission to share this – anonymously of course!)
Her husband had kept her up all night, abusing her, breaking dishes, throwing chairs at her, threatening her and chasing her around the house with a knife. By the morning, she was understandably beside herself in terror. She was finally able to call the police, but he got to them first, meeting them outside on the driveway where he told them, “I’m so glad you’re here. My wife is having another psychotic episode. I’m a therapist and I do believe she needs to be on a psychiatric hold for her own safety and for mine.”
When the police went inside the house, they found the knife on the counter, chairs overturned, broken plates on the floor and the survivor slumped over in a corner, disheveled and crying. She was so upset and traumatized that she couldn’t clearly explain what had happened – and she was terrified to find out what would happen if she spoke up.
She ended up getting taken to the hospital and placed in a locked unit. The next day, her husband came to visit her. When they were alone, she asked him, “Why did you do that?”
He replied, “Because I can.”
How’s that for an abuse of power?
Covert abusers tell on themselves
Here’s the ironic part: Covert abusers are actually telling on themselves when they try to shame their victims.
Consider this: Do mentally healthy, kind, caring, compassionate people shame others for seeking support for their mental health? NO!
Mentally healthy, compassionate people don’t point fingers and make cruel accusations about a survivor’s mental health. They respond with empathy, not cruelty.
So in a way, covert abusers call themselves out.
When an abuser draws attention to someone else’s suffering in an attempt to ridicule them, they expose their own cruelty and lack of empathy. They are actually sharing evidence of just how severely they abused their victim, and how shamelessly committed they are to continuing that abuse.
So when someone tries to discredit you using your mental health history, what they’re really doing is showing everyone who they are. Not you.
The truth always comes out eventually.
Time is the enemy of the covert abuser.
When a covert abuser goes to great lengths to make you look bad, they often end up making themselves look worse. Their obsessive need to control the narrative often exposes the very tactics they’re trying to hide. And they are so convinced they are always the smartest person in any room, they can get careless sometimes and let the mask slip.
But here’s the sad truth: abusers could really use some help with their own mental health, but they refuse to admit that they even have a problem (or are the problem). So instead they will do LITERALLY ANYTHING except go to therapy -- and they'll try to shame you even when you seek support to recover from the damage they have done.
Projection and shame
At the root of this abusive behavior is often deep insecurity. Covert abusers will go to great lengths to avoid ever having their own flaws exposed. So, instead, they seem to project their own negative beliefs about themselves onto others.
When it comes to mental health, they might know deep down that something isn’t quite right within themselves. They might secretly even be terrified that if they were to seek support for their mental health, they might be shamed, discredited or ridiculed. So they act out these beliefs by projecting them onto you.
Being a covert abuser must be exhausting! Imagine if all that effort (devoted to causing pain, fear and trauma, spinning a web of lies and manipulating others for personal gain) went into self-improvement!
Instead of doing the hard inner work of therapy, self-reflection, and accountability, they point fingers. They shame you for doing what they themselves are too afraid to do: look inside themselves, seek help, change and break the cycle of abuse.
What are they so afraid of finding if they look too close? Many survivors report that their partners experienced abuse growing up and this was one reason why so many survivors kept forgiving, forgetting and trying again. But haven’t many of us experienced abuse in childhood? And some of us go on to become social workers, therapists, advocates, community activists or judges. We do have a choice in the road we go down – we can choose to become what we saw or we can decide we will never inflict the kind of pain we suffered on anyone else. Because we know how much it hurts we resolve to treat others so much better than we were treated and with the help of other healthy role models we encounter, we can learn how to do that. The key is are we willing to change? Or is it easier to blame others?
The weaponization of therapy
Since therapists get very little training on domestic violence or coercive control, asking him to go to private counseling will likely just end up reinforcing his worldview that he is the victim here and you are the problem. Going to couples counseling isn’t likely to make things any better either – instead it may just equip him with new ways to make you look like the problem. The reason you are so “cold” in the bedroom? He may tell the therapist he believes it’s because you were raped as a teenager. Wasn’t that your story to tell, not his? And then the next several sessions are spent addressing your childhood wounds.You may be very reluctant to call him out on what he did to you in the bedroom that made you go cold, because covert abusers are very shame sensitive. They also don’t do well with confrontation or the truth. You will likely be punished after any session in which you reveal the truth of who he is and what he has done to you or your children.
If you are fortunate enough to find a trauma-informed therapist who understands coercive control, that can be a lifesaver while you are in an abusive relationship. Here’s where the focus will be on helping you identify the tactics being used on you, how to counter them, how to shore up your inner emotional reserves, maintain your sanity, problem solve and safety plan, how to stay safe (as safe as possible), learn what your options are, what your personal rights are (like living in peace, safety and freedom in your own home) and how to know when or whether you are ready to end the relationship and how to do that as safely as possible, and hopefully with the help of a domestic violence advocate who is also trauma informed where it concerns coercive control and cover abuse.
Healing from this kind of relationship, this kind of trauma, can’t really begin in earnest until you are safe. That’s when a trauma-informed therapist can help again – work with you to begin that long, hard, beautiful road to recovery after everything you have been through, everything you have suffered, survived and are now in the process of overcoming.
Healing is something to be proud of
If you’ve sought help for PTSD, depression, or anxiety as a result of abuse, that takes tremendous strength and courage. You made the conscious decision to break out of a toxic cycle instead of repeating it. That’s a huge accomplishment, and you deserve respect!
If a covert abuser is trying to expose you for seeking help to heal from the trauma they caused - they’re actually just sharing proof of what they did to you. They’re revealing how broken THEY are! Don’t make the mistake of thinking that this kind of brokenness can be fixed by any intervention short of a personality transplant. It takes the willingness to be honest, authentic and vulnerable. It requires empathy for the person you’ve hurt, remorse for harm done and a sincere desire to change, along with the commitment to do the hard work to make that change and make it stick.
Have you ever pointed out something your partner did to hurt you, humiliate you or frighten you?
What was his reaction?
If he’s a covert abuser, his reaction was likely to deny, deflect, project, or blame you for it – or do even more of what you asked him to stop. This kind of behavior pattern points to a catastrophic failure of character, and the remedy in most cases is not therapy, it’s escape, or at least ongoing safety planning with a focus on protecting yourself and your children as much as possible until you can.
The key word here is “escape,” because when this kind of relationship ends, that’s when the danger escalates. We are not talking about a regular relationship that has run its course, or even a dysfunctional relationship. We are talking about a dangerous relationship with an individual who views women as resources, property, possessions – and therefore disposable, replaceable. You don’t leave this kind of individual. You escape.
Breaking the cycle
Friendly reminder: We are living in an era that values mental health, openness, healing, and compassion.
Together, we’re building a world where the truth is heard, where survivors are believed, and where cycles of abuse are broken, not repeated.
PTSD and other mental health struggles are not signs of weakness. They are signs of survival. They are testaments to your strength in enduring something you never should have had to.
You deserve support. You deserve safety. You deserve peace.
Ready to overcome abuse and reclaim your story?
Join us for Understanding and Documenting Coercive Control: Executive Summary Workshop. After serving over 1500 survivors of coercive control and covert abuse, I founded this online program to help survivors find their voices, clearly communicate their experiences and get the support and protection they need. In just 90 minutes you’ll learn how to recognize and report domestic abuse using a trauma-informed process that has helped thousands of survivors take their power back.
Click here to sign up for instant, lifetime access.
If you can relate to this article, I want you to know that you are not alone. At WomenSV, we believe you. We see you. And we are here to support you.
Let’s keep having these conversations, supporting one another and shining a light on the shadows where covert abuse hides.
To stay in touch, please connect with us on social media. We’re active on YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, Facebook and Pinterest.
The work of breaking free, reclaiming your narrative, and healing from covert abuse is not easy. But it is possible. And it is worth it. YOU are worth it!
Happy Mental Health Awareness Month. 💜
With love and solidarity,
Ruth Darlene
Founder & Executive Director, WomenSV
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
1. What is coercive control?
Coercive control is a pattern of controlling, isolating, threatening behavior that entraps an intimate partner. It can, but does not necessarily, include physical and sexual violence as well as stalking, psychological abuse, financial abuse, legal abuse, technological abuse or other forms of domestic abuse. Coercive control can involve overt (obvious) abuse and / or covert (hidden, subtle) abuse. Even without a prior history of physical abuse, coercive control poses a significant lethality risk to survivors.
What is covert abuse?
Covert abuse refers to a wide range of behaviors from emotional manipulation to strangulation. In its more subtle form, this kind of abuse can be difficult to detect, yet still deeply damaging. Covert abuse often includes love bombing (excessive displays of affection and attention designed to create a quick, intense emotional connection to later exploit), emotional abuse (like the “silent treatment’ or “gaslighting”, technological abuse (like putting spyware on her computer), financial abuse (like putting a partner on an allowance or racking up debt secretly in her name), psychological manipulation and veiled threats.
2. What does WomenSV do?
WomenSV (Women of Silicon Valley) is a nonprofit organization founded by Ruth Darlene. Although it originated in Silicon Valley, in the past 14 years, WomenSV has served over 1500 women from all over the country and from many different races, religions, and cultural backgrounds. Their partners tended to be men (and some women) in positions of power and influence – and who weaponized both. WomenSV is dedicated to empowering survivors, providers, advocates and communities in general with education about covert abuse and coercive control. We envision a world in which every adult and child can exercise their fundamental human right to live in peace, safety and freedom in their own home.
Donations to WomenSV help support domestic violence prevention through education. To make a donation, click here.
3. How does mental health relate to domestic violence?
Studies consistently demonstrate a strong link between domestic violence and mental health conditions. Survivors of domestic violence often suffer from mental health impacts like PTSD, depression, and anxiety as a result of the trauma they've endured.
4. What should I do if someone is weaponizing my mental health?
Remember that you are not at fault, and you deserve kindness and compassion. Document the abuse and connect with a healthy support system. A trauma-informed therapist, trusted friends and family members, domestic violence advocates and support groups can help support you as you heal. Take a look at our online Directory of Resources for additional sources of support.
5. Is it normal to feel crazy after covert abuse?
Yes, gaslighting and manipulation are designed to make victims doubt their sanity. These feelings are a natural response to sustained psychological abuse. Healing is possible, but it takes time. Please be patient with yourself. Prioritize safety planning and self-care.
Disclaimer: The information in this article is intended for informational and educational purposes only. This is not a form of therapy or therapeutic advice. WomenSV does not offer therapy or referrals.
Citations:
Showalter, E. (1985). The Female Malady: Women, Madness, and English Culture, 1830-1980. Pantheon.
El-Hai, J. (2005). The Lobotomist: A Maverick Medical Genius and His Tragic Quest to Rid the World of Mental Illness. Wiley.
Chesler, P. (1972). Women and Madness. Doubleday.
U.S. Department of Health, Education, and Welfare. (1955). Mental Health: United States Public Health Service Report.