Surviving and Thriving: Life After Covert Abuse

Recently we were asked what keeps us inspired to do the work we do at WomenSV. The stories of resilience, healing and hope shared by our community are a constant reminder that with the right support, even massive challenges can be overcome.

A survivor of coercive control and covert abuse reached out to us for help, whom we will call Lucy for anonymity purposes. She came to us lost, distressed, and broken after her husband engineered an arrest and restraining order against her. This is something we see often with powerful and sophisticated covert abusers who are charming, resourceful, and intelligent. Often, covert abusers poke and provoke their partners until they have a “survivor reaction” where the victim may end up saying something they regret or doing something they normally wouldn’t. The abuser then records the victim and calls the police, and in turn, shows the recording to the officers and the victim ends up getting arrested, issued a restraining order, and/or put on a 5150. This is exactly what happened to Lucy. Her husband recorded her, falsified an incident where he painted himself as the victim of abuse, and got Lucy arrested. She had criminal charges issued against her, a restraining order, kicked out of her house, and her two children taken away from her.

While we do not get involved in the legal process, we were able to offer Lucy education, validation, support, and safety planning. We let Lucy know she wasn’t alone and we were going to do everything we could to support her. She has attended support groups nearly every week since we met her where we have watched her transform from a survivor who couldn’t share her story without breaking down in tears to a warrior woman who is finding meaning in her story. We went to the police station with Lucy where we helped her share her story with an officer to offer safety planning and create an incident report. This is something we often do with survivors. They can speak with an officer and share their story, letting them know that there is no crime in progress and they aren’t in imminent danger. But, they just want to share their story and get extra safety planning from an officer.

In addition to providing another source of high level safety planning, developing a relationship with local law enforcement also served to help her begin to build trust again in a system that is designed to serve and protect the innocent but often gets manipulated by a covert abuser.

We have also helped Lucy with our Executive Summary Workshop where we are helping her detail the abuse in a concise, coherent and organized way which is very challenging for a survivor who has been engulfed in fear and trauma. We continue to see Lucy and celebrate her wins, hold her during her losses, and safety plan with her always.

Lucy, today, has no criminal charges pending against her. She has gone from paying thousands of dollars for supervised visitations to 50-50% custody of her children. She recently has been able to go back to her children’s schools where she was welcomed with open arms and was filled with tears of joy talking to us about seeing her daughter’s school play. Lucy recently told WomenSV that she was so grateful to us because when she met us, it was the first time she felt like she could get through this. She knew someone was going to be with her every step of the way and she finally saw hope.

We've also reached out to the District Attorney’s Office to share with them our experience working with over 1400 survivors so they can more easily spot and respond to common tactics used by sophisticated and resourceful covert abusers in the legal and court system, saving survivors from further risk.

That’s our goal here at WomenSV. We not only shed light on coercive control and covert abuse. We strive to serve as beacons of hope to survivors, letting them know that as long as we are here, they will never again be alone.

Ruth Darlene Patrick, Founder of WomenSV on How to Help a Friend Who is Experiencing Domestic Violence

To support a friend experiencing domestic violence, it's vital to recognize the signs of abuse, approach the friend with care, offer emotional support, and supply valuable resources and practical assistance. By taking these steps, we can contribute to breaking the cycle of abuse and empowering survivors to build healthier lives for themselves and their children.
Learn more from Ruth Darlene Patrick, Founder of WomenSV on How to Help a Friend Who is Experiencing Domestic Violence in the article linked below.

WomenSV's Ruth Darlene Patrick on Combating Technology Control and Domestic Abuse

In the hands of domestic abusers, tools like tracking apps, spyware, and social media platforms can become instruments of manipulation, harassment and control. Get more information from WomenSV's Ruth Darlene Patrick on Combating Technology Control and Domestic Abuse in this article.

WomenSV's Ruth Darlene Patrick on Why Community Education is Important for Understanding Domestic Abuse and Coercive Control

A primary objective of WomenSV is to raise public awareness and educate professional providers in legal, medical, and social services, as well as the broader community, about domestic violence so that it's harder for abusers to isolate their victims and make them suffer in silence.
Hear from WomenSV’s Ruth Darlene Patrick on why community education is important for understanding domestic abuse and coercive control in this article.

WomenSV’s Ruth Darlene Patrick on Recognizing the Signs of Coercive Control

Learn to recognize the signs of coercive control in this must-read for anyone learning about healthy relationships and breaking the cycle of abuse.
From WomenSV’s Ruth Darlene Patrick on Recognizing the Signs of Coercive Control:
"Isolation, monitoring, intimidation, financial abuse, and gaslighting are just a few of the ways abusers maintain power and control over their partners. It's crucial to understand that coercive control is not a one-time event, but rather a pattern of behavior that escalates over time."
Read the rest in the article linked below and share this with your loved ones to help us create a safer world for all!